Here Comes The Neighborhood: A Hilarious Holiday Interaction With The Neighbors

So a funny thing happened to us earlier this week:

My wife, our two daughters, & I were just sitting around the living room, enjoying a relaxing Sunday evening, when there was a casual knock at the front door, which we opened, to find a family that lives next door standing on our front porch. Our conversation went thusly:
 
Us: “Hey, what can we do for you?”
Neighbors: “Hey, we’ve been admiring this place for awhile, & after discussing it as a family, decided we’d rather move into this property’s vacant back house than continue to occupy our current house next door. There seems to be enough room & resource to spare; would you consider letting us come live on this property & perhaps even enter into a process by which we might eventually become co-lessees with you here?”
Us: “Naw. You might want basic human dignity/rights, &/or sometimes speak to each other in a language we don’t readily understand, which makes us inexplicably frightened & furious. Plus, we need to keep the back house empty, in case we acquire so many more superfluous material possessions that we can no longer cram them all into the garage & storage space. We deserve to enjoy this property’s comfort & security by ourselves, & tenants of any dwelling space also have the right to decline others’ requests to live on the property they presently occupy.”
Neighbors: “That last part is generally true, but in this case it’s highly debatable, given that our parents lived here first, until your parents pushed them out, then moved in & hoarded the comfort & security that comes with living here. Moreover, the only reason this property offers said comfort & security is that your parents pillaged & plundered most of the other properties in the neighborhood of their resources, in order to create a more opulent home for themselves. We’re not even suggesting that you leave, merely asking that we be able to co-inhabit this property as genuine stake holders.”
Us: “Naw. Stop making us consider facts & context! WE are the tenants now, & have a strong ‘present tenants first’ policy!” 
 
Nonplussed at their audacious intrusiveness, we slammed the door shut, & they nonchalantly walked back home. A short while later there was a frantic-sounding knock at the front door, which we opened, this time to find a family that lives two doors down standing on our front porch. Our conversation went thusly:
 
Us: “Hey, what can we do for you?”
2nd Neighbors: “Please, let us in for a while! Some of the other tenants in the apartment building we live in are creating an unsafe environment for us, & have even overtly threatened us with physical violence. Said fellow tenants of our home property have a verifiable history of following through on their threats, & local law enforcement has a verifiable history of often being impotent to stop them. We ran past the house of the neighbors that live between you & us, straight to yours, because it’s known that you possess greater capacity to assist us in this specific need. Please grant us refuge on this property until the threat back home subsides!”
Us: Naw. If we let you on the property, things might become slightly different than we prefer & there’s a slim possibility we’ll end up having a little less extra stuff. Like we told our other neighbors, we have a strong ‘present tenants first’ policy in place. Now kick rocks.”
2nd Neighbors: “But our case is different! We’re telling you our lives are in immediate jeopardy. Please at least let us in until you can authenticate our claims.”
Us: “That’s your problem. Not our fault you chose to be born into the family occupying that apartment instead of the one occupying this house. You should’ve had the foresight to be born into a safer context; like we did.”
2nd Neighbors: “No one chooses where they’re born; that’s an asinine assertion. But since you’re experiencing a sudden spike in eagerness to identify casual factors: we’re in this situation largely due to your long & documented history of meddling in our property’s domestic affairs, propping up puppet building committee leaders & launching your neighborhood-wide ‘War on (illegal) Parking‘, that — as prohibition does — drove the demand for illegal parking spots underground, creating a highly lucrative black market, that, naturally, violent parking spot cartels emerge to take control of, leaving untold carnage in their wake, especially in our specific building. As such, we again appeal to you to let us on this property on a provisional status.”
Us: “Fake news.”
2nd Neighbors: “What? Can you actually refute our claims with facts, or do you just reject any/all propositions that subvert your family’s narrative about why you live where you live, why we live where we live, & why each of our properties possess the specific traits they each possess?”
Us: “All lives matter.”
2nd Neighbors: “Ok. That’s extremely non sequitur, but if you truly believed that, you would let us in! You incessantly claim to be the most benevolent household in the neighborhood, but consistently prove to be such a double-edged sword, that your boast is impossible to accredit. Your own twitter bio states that your parents usurped your grandparents’ authority & ejected them from this very property, in part, because they were ‘obstructing the Laws for the Naturalization of Foreigners‘, but now you’re committing the same act by refusing to shelter us while you evaluate the veracity of our claims of mortal danger in our home apartment.”
Us: (shrugs)
2nd Neighbors: “If you won’t grant us refuge on this property, would you at least allocate $1,000 of the riches your parents plundered from ours toward sponsoring some sort of sustainable development work that would both empower us & pressure the dangerous tenants out of our apartment, making it safe once again, thereby benefitting the entire neighborhood?”
Us: “Naw. Mutually equitable outcomes feel too much like socialism to us, which we’re not actually sure why we’re scared of. But, our parents didn’t strong-arm your parents out of this house just for us to turn around & share/cooperate with people outside our immediate family. Synergy, compromise, & the like are antithetical to our plans to ‘Make Home Great Again’. We think the $1,000 you’re asking for would be & unearned hand-out, so we’re unwilling to spend that, cause reason-driven decision-making processes are for snowflakes, whereas ideal-driven decision-making processes are for winners. But we will gladly spend $100,000 on building a fence around this property to keep you from ever approaching our porch again, & we’ve already spent that very same $1,000 you’re asking for on tear gas for your family’s eyes & lungs. 
(pulls rings from tear gas canisters)
“Trust us, this isn’t cruel & inhumane.”
(deploys tear gas canisters on entire family, including small children, then closes & locks door while smiling) 
 
I won’t get into the gory details of what local news reports say indeed did happen to the neighbors from two doors down when they eventually had to return to their apartment, for lack of any other viable place to stay. I mean, we’re sympathetic & all, but they could’ve followed our example & avoided this whole fiasco simply by being more fortunate. It’s easy; just stop being less fortunate, duh! & we’re certain the Landlord who owns the property we live on supports our decision to not let them in, cause if he disapproved, he would’ve already evicted us from this relatively comfortable & secure house, right? He owns all the other properties in the neighborhood too, so we’re sure he’s heard about all that transpired by now, & must approve, cause our continued comfort & security are surely signs of his favor! While it’s true that, as a child, he & his family were refugees from one house to another, & he devotes a significant amount of his autobiography to delineating just how deeply he cares for the marginalized & disadvantaged tenants in the neighborhood, we’re still confidant it’s a low-ranking priority of his, cause our particular household believes in meritocracy, & we assume his values largely mirror ours, though we’ve never gone out of our way to actually get to know him & confirm our assumptions. It’s not like we’re missing rent payments & throwing wild parties, we’re merely declining to leverage our prosperity to meet the most basic needs of our neighbors. Yes, we’re fully confident that the personal piety with which we each purport to conduct ourselves in this house should sufficiently placate the Landlord when he eventually returns to the neighborhood to inspect all his properties. 
 
So, like I said, a quirky account of living life in this off-beat little neighborhood. Anyway, on to more important matters: goodbye pumpkin spice, hello gingerbread! Cozy blankets & Christmas movies! Ahhh, HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Nom nom nom.
 
 
 
 
**EDIT: This post is allegory. We’ve already had a concerned family member call us wondering what happened & if we’re ok, so please understand this account as purely allegorical.**

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